Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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