Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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