Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
