I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
