is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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