just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
