this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I touched a dick in church today
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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