So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
