my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
