Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Ladies don't puke and tell
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
