Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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