I met the friendliest cop last night
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
