oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
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