Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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