Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
