plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
