ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
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