I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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