apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
