Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
