his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
