i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
