life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
