My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
