my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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