I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
