I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
