Buhtt sex?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
