He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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