I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
