May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
