I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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