Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
