Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
