He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
