i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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