new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
