Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
