No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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