paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
