i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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