The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
