thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Randomize
