don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
