I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
