Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The air was thick with penises
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
