Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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