She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
