and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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