I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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