Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
