Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
